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But, I also notice that many describe their own addiction of sorts – to the partner.
A love and attachment you cannot shake, despite the consequences. My first suggestion would be to treat with skepticism any advice to take choice 1 over choice 2. And only you will know just how much sadness and anxiety is going to be inherent with either option.
Other characteristic signs of a narcissistic mother are habitual lying and constant criticism of the child under the guise of being a caring parent.
The working out of those specifics might be where your attention is going to be productive. Al-Anon is not for everyone in your situation, but those who do find it helpful would probably say that it’s the repeated attendance that makes it work.
It’s something like finding yourself holding a hot panhandle and gripping all the more tightly the more it burns. I also encourage you to respond to other postings with a few words of appreciation, support and ideas. There are many more readers of this dialogue than there are responders – you have an interested group here and we want to know what happens. Try viewing your dilemma as four-pronged: Choice 1 would be that you decide to leave your wife and that you do so in the most careful, strategic manner, doing the most that you can to ensure this unfolds as becoming the right choice.
Choice 2 would be that you leave in a way that magnifies the potential for a negative outcome, say by being mean, impulsive or passive, neglecting the care of your self, your social network, financial interests and so on.
She does not look forward to their births to see what they look like or watch their personalities develop.
She has them strictly for the sake of having more mirrors to look at herself in she wants little miniatures of herself.